Final Team Stats

Well there's no doubt it was a fun but short season (probably for the best). And The Morons came out of it with a PERFECT record of 0-11! Granted it would have been nice if we could have beat at least 1 team... but we're not complaining... right?

If you missed the Post Season Pool Party at Huggies this past Saturday... well I'll just say you missed a great time. Unfortunately I can not tell you any stories or show you any pictures since the house rule is "what happens at Huggies... stays at Huggies"... and besides you suck if you didn't come anyway!! ;o)

So... until next season... keep those bats up and balls in the air!

Kim

Team Mom/Head Cheerleader!

Please RSVP w/ Poll on Right

Click on Images to View Larger or to Print

Morons seek to turn tide in playoffs

With the regular season wrapped up and the playoffs on the way the Oxy Morons look forward to an opportunity for redemption. While the regular season may not have always been pretty, there were flashes of greatness. Mark O. a.k.a. "White Thunder" a.k.a. "O Really don’t need to practice" a.k.a. "I’ll throw a girl ball to a guy any day anywhere" hit an in-the-park homer week one and Janet Braly "The Sniper" provided plenty of pop throughout the season. "One Tree Hill" made a catch along the fence that was easily a top 10 play on Sportscenter and "Snail Mail" went all out to snag a foul ball at the backstop. Coach T-Roy and the Skipper are working relentlessly to get the team fired up for this clash of Lower Rec teams. Also, Andres "The Avocado" is fine tuning his debate skills for any potential disagreements with the umpires. Some teams might be discouraged with an 0-10 record, but the Morons see this as their chance to shine. Could it be the Morons were merely setting up an opportunity to hustle other teams in the playoffs? Stay tuned. If the Morons can streak together some hits and bring "the curse" upon their opponents we may see a magical run. Two things are for certain, all team equipment will be in the dugout and the fans will be rowdy. The atmosphere should be electric. Fans, bring your cushioned stadium chairs and plenty of cash for drinks it could be a long night at the "ghettoplex". If you forget your cash see the team mom, she may be able to help you out.
-Allen Tromp

Visa Moron Card

Ponytail holder - $2
Ponytail Perm - $60
Getting punched in the throat because your ponytail whipped Allen in the face- Priceless

XXXL white spandex pants - $25Louisville Slugger bat - $100
Melting the paint right off the bat onto your spandex after the "chocolate friction" was applied - Priceless

Complex entrance beer token fee - $2
Half gallon of beer - $7
After consuming over 100 oz. of alcoholic goodness, you decide it is a good idea to tell that story about the dude touching your leg in the sauna - Priceless

Umpire fee - $40
New York Times best seller entitled "10 Ways To Go From Umpire To Doosh" - $35
Having his family threatened by the Avocado after a terrible call - Priceless

3rd base sideline fence - $300
Cosmetic surgery on face to remove fence imprint - $4000
Having the opportunity to prove that a metal fence really does taste like chicken - Priceless

Mohawk haircut using a Bic razor and Flow bee - $0
Logitech Boom Box - $199.99
Blaring your favorite Tupac Mix during a Beer League Slow Pitch Soft Ball game - Bad Ass

Your Grandfathers cleats from 1932 - $0.35
Duct Tape - $1.99
Playing in your softball debut with one cleat and one ballet slipper - Like A Boss

Sweatpants - $10
Zoolander make-over Kit - $145
Realizing mid-season that 100 degrees is too hot for sweatpants and that the kit you got from Amazon.com was not the "From Rags To Ruth" kit that you wanted - Priceless

Cost To Play - $40
Morons Jersey - $26
The fact that it was worth every penny even if you went 0-11 at the plate, you did not have one catch in the field, your throws were never on point, you struck out in slow pitch, you were too drunk to function, you screamed or did not attempt to move as balls were hit your way or you pulled every muscle in your body to the point you considered calling off work the next day (or did..Randy) - Priceless

Morons Earn Playoff Slot

Don't look now folks, but your favorite home team has just made the playoffs. That's right....hard work, hustle and teamwork has moronically paid off. You never know what can happen in the post season. Every team has a chance to show what there made of. I understand the rush to get tickets to reserve your seat for the first round, but you'll have to wait, as the schedule has not been posted. Stay tuned.

The lineup for the Morons will reward the top performers in our season with a start. In case you haven't been going to any of the games the new stats have been posted. Therefore, your starting fielders will be Janet, Kristie, Tracy, and Rene for the ladies and Shebin, Troy, Travis, Randy N, Mark and Jason for the guys. Everyone will bat, and the rest of the team will sub in halfway through the game. Congratulations to everyone on a great season.

As far as funny stuff, the tank is officially empty. I believe everyone has received their fair share of roasting and has taken in well. If we have a guest blogger who has anything to say, send it over to me via email and I will post it for you. Feel free to send comments about your coach. I can dish, but also receive (and that doesn't include saunas Avocado).

Adios!

T-roy

End of Season Stats!

Last Game Happy Hour

Yes... I'm sad to report that next week will be our last 2 games. Well unless we make the play-offs... but I'm not really sure how that works... so who knows. Sportsmonkey was kind enough to make are last games the LATE ones... being at 9:30 & 10:30 pm... which totally blows... but hopefully the Morons will have some die hard fans there anyway.

BUT whether or not you're planning to attend the game... please plan to attend the Happy Hour beforehand!!

Tuesday Aug 11
4pm
Benjy's (in the Village)
2424 Dunstan
Corner of Dunstan & Kelvin
Take Kirby southbound to Dunstan (between Sunset and Rice Blvd)

Did Someone Say Monkeys?

Well we've got 'em!!

How about a movie?

A New Cheer... by Judi

We got a big stick

We can hit the ball

We can run

throw

catch

and that ain't all

It's called M-O-R-O-N

Oh yeah

M-O-R-O-N!

Shock and Awe

No favoritism here... we'll let anyone write...

Moron's fans were in awe last night when the impossible nearly happened. Both teams gave it their all and proved that the Morons can be serious contenders in the playoffs. And the fans? Out of this world...the cheering keeps getting better by the week.
However, the shock came in the post-game press conference held at the Sportsplex bar. It began when Kim "The Blue Iguana" Carsten, candidly and unexpectedly, broke story after story involving a wide range of topics (old friends at the Blue Iguana, online dating, etc...) which left Morons amused but baffled. It must have hit close to home for our coach T-Roy "I dropped the soap" Davis, because following the Iguana's stories, he stood up and began: "My name is T-Roy and it has been seven weeks since I've been in a steam room..." not knowing how to react, a couple of team-mates awkwardly clapped in encouragement. T-Roy went on to share his frankly disturbing "Sauna" story and left us (I think I speak for all of us) uncomfortably smiling trying to show some sympathy (OK, I may have embellished the story a little bit). T-Roy probably wishes he had not shared the details of the sauna incident with his team-mates, but T-Roy "thanks for sharing", we'll get a lot of mileage out of this one. For those of you who missed the post-game debriefing, ask around...good times.
Good game all. I can't wait for the playoffs.
Andres

Testes 1-2 1-2....
As for "asking around"... I disagree... you gotta stay for the afterhours if you want to know the dirty details! As they say... What happens in the Ghettoplex Bar stays in the Ghettoplex Bar!! Kim

Muy Interesante at Escalantes

If you're hankering for a headache Wednesday morning, try Escalantes off Beechnut pre-game. Meyerland's Mexicatessan specializes in drinkability and thirsty morons. Most teams arrive at the Ghettoplex an hour or so before the game to change, stretch, throw and warm-up. Morons aren't like most teams. Aside from the fact we are 0-8, our preparation stems around 106 Negra Modelos (a smooth 12 for O'Donnell - see last week's post on blood alcohol level), 14 baskets of chips, countless quesadillas and a bar bill that satisfies staff payroll for a week. Good plan. Brought to you by - yours truly. You may say, "That sounds like good times!" And you would be right. But by the end of the night, pinned up in the softball saloon on a plastic chair surrounded by milk jugs.....the truth comes out. Boy I wish it didn't.


Stories surface after a night of cervezas as you have all now witnessed through Avocado's clever tale of a frightened young man who fell victim to an unwelcomed trespasser's hairy leg in the sauna. That is the truth. Scout's Honor. Nevertheless, now I own the steam room, take appointments (men only- hairy legs not required) and welcome and encourage the forward pass and lead the team in receptions. DOWN BOY! Avocado...thanks for the fabrication. My wife is going to have some questions tonight after reading this post. Which brings me to the Blue Iguana. Apparently, my intention was to trump Kim's story of having her jugs tugged by some girl named Pat in the women's restroom at the Blue Iguana Bar. Pre-Blue Iguana, Huggy's Pool party was the topic of conversation (see details below) and how speedos and string bikini's would somehow look sweet on a bunch of out of shape, washed up, beer guzzlers. And yes Kim my beer gut is better than yours. Pre-Pool party, the Boss was swinging from the ceiling fan or jumping from his Amoire to the bed (hat on or off?) at home injuring his back and neck and had to get a shot of Novocaine. See what Escalantes does to you, now?


Aside from the funny stories and forgettable memories, the games were close. Both teams played exceptionally well in the field and at the plate. Aside from O'Donnell losing the 1st game for us all on his own, and claiming his wing was too tired to play game 2, I'm proud of everybody else. We had the lead 6-5 in the 5th inning in Game 1 before it slipped away from us. Game 2 we put a 5 spot up on the scoreboard after the 1st inning. And of course the fans were great as usual - love the new chants. How about those cage climbers? Commence the fence like Hunter Pence makes some sense or is it dense? GO MORONS!

P.S. Huggie is inviting all of the players and fans to his house Saturday, August 29th around noon for a team pool party. Details to follow. Mark it on your calendars.......it is mandatory!!

YTD Stats Update

Click on chart for larger view

View from the Stands - Week 3

Yes... T-roy was correct in mentioning our growing fan base. Although maybe I should quit spreading the word because we're not getting much air circulation in the stands with so many friggin' people around!

Here's Mark giving his best impression of Chocolate Thunder from last week... a little more notice next time people!

It's no wonder Allen "Trump the Bump" was jealous of this guys long hair... just look how it flows in the wind.

And here's our own "Shoeless Joe" Paula keeping our stats.

Rene "Nail Smail" in her very dedicated catchers pose

Our very own Coach T-roy... Will he return next season?

Fans Fans Fans!

Look it's Big Bird's Mini Me!

How about some action shots...

Don't forget... Next time... Come Prepared!!

OH... One last thing...

SKIPPER... I NEED THE CATCHERS MASK NEXT WEEK!!!!

Out of the Ordinary

Field of Dreams. One of the greatest baseball movies ever made where they hardly play baseball. Albeit a fantasy, so seems the likelihood of a Moron win. In our moronic quest for a "W" last Tuesday night, this blogger lost interest in making light of a situation where clouds loomed. What's up with that? Why stop now? Just as Mark "went the distance" pitching two miraculous games with a bum arm, busted teeth, twisted ankle, and a blood alcohol level teetering at twice the legal limit, so too must the Morons march on. Our fans and readers have stepped up to the plate, paid their $2 each week to come out and watch their team. We owe it to them, to not only show up, but give our very best week in and week out. True we were 0-6 by 9:30 pm, but we fought and rallied our way to the end. That end lead us to the beer joint again, but at least we are good at that.

Under the Iowan lights it's not if you win or lose, it's the journey that counts, right? Speaking of journey, didn't that guy in Game 2 with the pony-tail look like a band member from Journey? And I guess you would classify the fly ball route the Boss takes as a journey. Ball mid-air, cap falls off head, Boss kneels, catches ball, stands up, picks up hat, throws to God knows where?!?!?!?!?!!? Oh and let's not forget the long journey back to the dugout after leading off at first base in a beer league with a no lead off rule. Now that can happen to anybody, we all understand, but ask yourself....why would Allen assault the base runner as he was rounding 3rd? Was he upset about being taken out of the pitching rotation? Did he not like the fact the guy had a pony-tail? Did he leave work with with his beans' unbalanced? Who knows?

Other strange occurrences happened that night for reasons we cannot possibly fathom. Apparently, James has mastered the art of invisibility. We looked out in right field in the first inning - no James. Second inning - no James......(someone said he was tying his new spike-less shoes). 3rd inning -he appeared as a apparition from the cornfield, but his jogging pants were chained to the ground as the fly ball bounced near him, but he was unable to move. Hmmm.

You know when you come to one of our games, you never know what can happen. Astonishing my good friends Kim and Paige stated it was so freaking hot, they had sweat in their crevaces......well.......not sure where to go with that one, just thought it was odd they mentioned it. And isn't it bizarre that Janet hates jugglers. You know if Presleigh wants to live the Carny life, why should Janet tell her to quit? Do you find it peculiar that Kevin's smallest little girl barks like a dog and pulls his shirt by her teeth? What a night! In the end, we found ourselves laughing, high fivin' and looking for more milk jugs. That's what we do. Plain and simple.

Thanks again to all the fans for their support. Love having you out there. Sorry for the delay in the blog. I promise it was out of the ordinary - just like a Moron.

T-roy

Former Coach of the Oxymorons

YTD Team Stats

Click on Chart for a larger view.

View for the Stands - Week 2

Let's just get this "elephant" out in the open right now... I know I'm going to go to hell for this but considering she has been the main topic of conversation today... I'll sacrifice myself for all of you...


Now that I've showed you that. Other than her strange bat warming/lubing practice (which I'm still kicking myself for not getting some video footage of) I have to give this woman MAD props! First... there's no way in hell you'd catch me walking around in tight ass WHITE baseball pants w/ shirt tucked in... but this gal walked around in total confidence. I also appreciate the fact that she either wore a thong or seamless panties w/ said pants (considering us fans in the stands had her ass in our faces quite a bit)... at least she didn't have unsightly panty lines (however it still wasn't a very appealing sight... not to me anyway... but to each their own). Second... holy crap... that chick CAN HIT (hmmm... maybe we should start using the bat warming strategy)! Therefore from hence forth she shall be deemed "Chocolate Thunder" (sorry Fred... but she's much more deserving of the title).


However Chocolate Thunder is NOT the first female power hitter we've encountered during our first four loses. These bitches are all over the place. So I'm thinkin' that maybe next time Tree Hill goes hanging out w/ these gals in the parking lot maybe he should use his powers of persuasion to get them to come join our team!! No offense to our girls of course... you may not be power hitters but at least no one is confused as to whether you are GIRLS or not!!


Now onto another subject... as for Huggies Honeys (formerly known as Huggies Hoochies) WTF??! Is it just a coincidence that neither Huggs or any of the Hooch... I mean Honeys showed up for the game this week? What up? Was there a private party at an undisclosed location or what?


And finally... NO I didn't stay for your late ass game... I don't function well on limited sleep and that's one of the reasons I'm not playing to begin with!! But at least I got one good picture!

Until next week!!

Under the Big Top

Despite the gloomy looks and hung heads on Wednesday morning, last night was a circus. I was waiting for the elephants to walk in and boy did they (for the other team) in the female form smacking line drive after line drive to the warning track. That's right sports fans, unbelievably the Oxymorons suffered through another night of excessive pummeling by the opposing team. However, that did not change the fact that last night was seriously funny. Absolutely, undeniably, ridiculous!

Have you ever seen a guy eat fence? Ask Mark how it tastes. After straining his baggets running to 1st, he decided to run teeth first into the 3rd base fenceline. This is the guy who's ankle is attached to his leg with bailing wire and duct tape. Are you kidding? Mark.....feel free to play "beer league softball" with the rest of us. Hustle is not part of the league. You'll get the idea on the mound next week.

I didn't realize Jason Russell was so religious. Apparently the Gospel according to the BOSS requires him to kneel to the god-lights while catching fly balls. His convictions were so inspiring, he witnessed to the Avocado, who failed to kneel and therefore dropped his balls in front of all his friends and family.

Randy Noble and Shebin found gopher holes. Seemless Seymour found O fer holes. Allen sang Earnest Tubb's #1 "Walking the Floor over You." And James thought wearing weapons on the bottom of his shoes would eliminate the stupid second baseman who wouldn't get out of the Boss's way. Then reverse kick her boyfriend pitcher in the jugular. Thanks James your heart is in the right place. BTW..... jogging pants got to be hot in July, brother.

My first base coach Tree Hill went missing during game 1. Awoken the Volken (and btw nice game Randy) saw him in the parking lot with one of the elephants, milk carton in hand, and Kim's camera.

Nail Smail confirmed Krisco got her keg stand in just as I predicted. That explains her mumbling and rambling, and why the concession stand had no beer for the 10:30 game. A wise man once said, warm beer is better than no beer.

Trace the Ace, Sniper, LAli and Melissa. I got nothing. Try being funnier next time.

And he who laughs at others must laugh at himself - that's the rule! So, coach T-roy, how about putting a game plan together that actually works! You are 0-4 and seriously positioned on the hotseat. Why don't you put the beer down for two seconds and pay attention to the number of outs. Forget the ace bandage on the hamstring.....hopefully the circus donkey will return to punch your ass again for good. Quit watching your towering, long fly balls to shortstop - It ain't getting outta here!

See I told you.....we laughed till our sides ached. We lossed, but we enjoy losing. So what the hell? Stay tuned for week 3. Fans bring the noise and we'll bring the tent ;)

P.S. Trix....be there or beware!

Remaining Schedules

Rainout Policy and Weather Update Link

Houston Sportsplex does not cancel any game prior to game day, regardless of the weather conditions. Up to date game rain out status is available after 5:00 PM Call 713-726-9977. You can also check the website at:
http://www.houstonsportsplex.com/weatherupdate.htm
Houston Sportsplex does not take responsibility for the weather. In the event that rain occurs between the time you call and the time you arrive, please be understanding. HSP's primary goal is to play ball. If in doubt, come out.
In the event of a power failure or rain-out, games are rescheduled as HSP deems necessary. HSP gives at least one weeks notice for rescheduled games, except during the last week of a season. HSP's obligation is to provide a field and a time for make-up games. It is the team's responsibility to field a team when scheduled. Make-up schedules are not altered.
Managers must check the rain-out schedule located in the main clubhouse or on our web site www.houstonsportsplex.com. Schedules are generally available the week following the rain-out night. Teams should always follow their regular schedule unless notified otherwise.
Thank You.

Week 2 Game - Tuesday, July 21

For any of those interested we will be meeting

@ Escalante's in Meyerland Plaza

(http://www.escalantes.net/public/default.aspx)

@ 6:30 for dinner & drinks!

Meet the Oxymorons

Click here for the rest on Week 1 Pictures!

FYI... If I didn't get your individual picture this week...

don't worry... I'll get it next week!! ;o)

Morons Enjoy Losing

If I were a random spectator just meandering around the Houston Ghettoplex, milk jug in hand towards field 4, my ears and eyes would have imagined a story much different from the scoreboard. (Let's pretend the scoreboard actually worked). A sold out baker's dozen worth of screaming fans, sporting unreasonably tight white and loli-pop red team jerseys led chants, "Let's go Morons..clap...clap...clap!" Within the confines of the dugout, the reserves stood on their feet, cheering for their teammates out in the field. The players on the diamond, focused, determined, and looking sharp (except for one dork with duct tape on his shoes) in their freshly scissored, used to be sleeved uniforms, executed flawlessly. If my eyes were to witness this collaboration of events, there is no doubt in my mind, this was a look of a champion. A Total Dominator. But this was not the case. The Oxymorons fell short in their first double header of the season. Did they hang their heads Tuesday night? No. Why? Morons enjoy losing. What? That's right! Despite the scoreboard, the team showed they could compete and have fun in the process (and the surprise discovery of an air conditioned bar and grill strategically positioned at the field's epicenter made us feel all warm and fuzzy inside too! Or was that the beer that was warm and fuzzy?)

Ok, enough of this "winning doesn't matter" and "we have heart" and "this is all for fun" blog. Time to rag on our team....cough...I mean point out the highlights from last night's action.

Hack Saw Huggins. Playboy, Lover, Womanizer. Man has skills. Couldn't keep the ladies off of him last night. Pictures will be posted soon........you'll see what I mean. Tree Hill, Don't call me Rybear, and Randy"If you give me a nickname I'll whoop your ass" Noble, super plays in the field, nice work with the bat. First homer of the year for Oxymorons hit by Mr. Mark O Really don't need to Practice. To the ladies on the team, Krisco, LAli, Skipper, Nail Smail, Trace the Ace, and Knee Nocker.... Big hits in key situations. Thanks for taking the walks when we needed them. Nice plays in the field. The outfielders..Boss, Awoken the Volken, and Who's on Second, way to fill in the deep gaps out there. Nice plays all around. Sorry I didn't mention the 1st team had all she-males. We'll know to back up next time. To our ace pitcher, Trump on the Bump. Way to go the distance. Excellent job on the hill. James thank God there's a fence behind me Hoang, hang in there brother. We got a spot for you next week more to your liking. Shoeless Joe, nice work on the books, thanks for the help in the dugout and keeping us all in line. As for T-roy, remind yourself before next game, drinking beer is not warming up. If you try and go to that gear you used to have when you were 20, you may get donkey punched in the hamstring again. To our team mom and professional photographer Trix, I'm not sure 200 pictures is enough. You may want to bring 2 cameras next time or possibly shoot some video. Appreciate the support and I never knew a dress went so well with a catcher's mask especially in a full squat position in the center of the bar full of poeple. To Susan, Darlene and the fans in the stands, thanks for keeping your teammates hydrated with beer. We owe you one. Need to think of a nickname for you.

Next week should be interesting. I'm smelling a "W."

Until then......Adios

T-roy

View from the Stands - Game 1

So we may not have won our first couple games... but the Oxymorons gave it one hell of a shot. I was actually quite impressed... and that's not just because I was behind the fence this year. One thing I can say for sure about this team is they've got the most enthusiastic fans in the ballpark! Granted we may have been more concerned about our beer than the games but I could see that the other teams were green with envy when they took a look at the fans in our stands. I'm kinda thinking the cheerleaders should rethink their uniform in order to help the team out (boobs ladies boobs)!


Knee Knocker may have been playing the game on her knees... and T-roy may have pulled his groin but keeps blaming it on his hamstring. But the diamond wasn't the only place where injuries were sustained. K Bell nearly got decapitated by the wonky ceiling fan. Luckily her sunglasses took the hit and came only slightly bumped and bruised. G Hood suffered from smoke inhalation and had to cut our right after the games. Aimeelou, K-Bomb, BonBon & Dar seemed to catch a case of the Huggies... not sure if they are contagious so be careful. S Ven got 3rd degree burns from her smokin' hot boyfriend. I suffered damage to the pedicure while crouching for my now infamous Angry Catcher pose. And we all nearly drown in our own sweat. Regardless we all had a great time!


For those of you who didn't make the game... here's a few things you should know before you head out to the Ghettoplex next week...

1) Don't use those directions that the Skipper sent out last week... they sucked.

2) They only serve beer & wine.... BUT... they do not search your bags (wink wink).

3) The beer pitchers are served in plastic 1/2 gallon milk jugs.

4) The grill is CLOSED on Tuesdays... and only Tuesdays... WTF? So unless you want to eat hot dogs or nachos for dinner then plan to join us at a TBD location for a pre-game dinner.

So no more excuses... we expect to see all your happy asses out there next week!!

Week 1 Game - Tuesday, July 14

Spring Training Ends; Morons Look Forward to Opening Day

After our 3rd and final practice, I am delighted to report that no severe injuries were sustained on Eastside field yesterday. 14 Morons participated in a simulated game showing true poise and promise, remaining hopeful to begin the season with a "W." This blogger sat back and took it all in, attempting to devise a starting lineup and batting order. With so much talent on display at one time, the task proved nearly impossible. All I could do was scratch a few notes about the players and their strengths and weaknesses. A coaches meeting is scheduled sometime today to finalize our game plan for Tuesday. Below are the notes:

Ryan "Don't call me Rybear" Hinze - nice range at SS, injury plagued, torn rotator cuff, torn meniscus in knee, possible Matzui fissures. On road to recovery, nice addition if he stays healthy. Hopefully not since he trumped my songs last night with some Def Leppard crap.

Paula "Found my Shoes" Sharon - Raw power. Lightning bat speed. Looks like our clean-up spot is locked. Hope the fence is at least 400+ to center, and our aluminum bats can hold up to the punishment she puts on the ball.

Shebin "Who's on Second" Chandran - Needs a compass or GPS. Confused as to the location of 2nd base. Nice speed on the bases when he sees them. Base coaches will come in handy. Possible middle of the line up, as he needs time to apply sunblock and lock in coordinates.

Richard "Hacksaw Jim " Huggins - What an animal! 4 screws in hip, bum knee, no problem. When he wasn't sitting next to the cooler, he was sitting next to the cooler. Could be our pinch runner or base stealing specialist. He told me, "Awl T-roy, I can't be running awl over that there outfield like cat. I's just sittin in this shade over yonder, keepin cool brother!" Anybody speak "East Texas?" May have to get ol Coop out dair? Huggy, thanks for buckets last night, buddy!

Kristie "Krisco" Choate - Her bat's as hot as peanut oil. 6 for 6 last night, looking at the # 2 hole. Throwing suspect. Tends to throw the "rainbow" or "skyball." By far the best coors light drinker on team, known as the funnel'er. Perfect since tie breakers are settled with a beer bong.

Andres "Avocado" Sobrino Castro Diego Luna Sanchez Gonzales - Tries hard. Fields ball with everything but his glove. Brought poweraid. Bought pizza. Good candidate for base coach. Bought him the Rosetta Stone software.

Ali "LA li " Toveg - SWF, Enjoys long walks on the beach, listening to Barry Manillo, and trying new things. Successful professional looking for tall, dark and handsome businessmen who enjoys horseback riding, sailing, and tennis. Must be a good listener. HUH?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Melissa "Our Skipper" Schuetz - Loves sliding into first base. Not sure of head first or feet first so she tends to go hip first with a stop, drop and roll technique. Hope we have a play at the plate so she can gets a chance to barrel over the catcher. Could be our bruiser.

Ed "Seamless" Seymour - Perfect attendance award. Made all 3 practices. 2 nice plays in the field. Hot bat puts him in the front of the line-up. Weakness......beer drinking. Poor attendance at Velvet Melvin. Concerned about long lags between games and what he is going to do, while his team is at concession stands watching Krisco do a keg-stand.

Janet "The Sniper" - Comebacker put me within an inch of my life, and the possibility of ever having kids. Glad I am not pitching to her anymore. Did not sleep well, horrible nightmares of her beating me to a pulp with softballs.

Jason "Still the Boss" Russell - Best rapper on team. Could put him in charge of the CHEER squad. His favorite cheer was...... Avocado is a friend of mine, He can hit it anytime. Put a bat in his hand, He can do it, yes He can. Hit, na na na na Rip, na na na na Hit it hard, Hit it fast, Knock that pitcher on his ass...na na na na, na na na na..... Way to go Boss. You gave us "Street Cred."

Travis, JD, Susan - Thanks again for making the Velvet Melvin and shutting it down. Maybe time for an intervention. Will have to call the league to see if they serve red bull and vodka. If not, a bootleg operation meeting will be called.

Thanks to all for showing off your talents. Time for the real deal on Tuesday. Fans, come out and show your support by buying your favorite player a beer. An autograph booth will be set up 15 minutes previous to game time, to shake hands and take pictures with your favorite player.

Adios...T-roy

SHIRTS ARE IN!!

If you ordered an Oxymoron Softball Shirt please come get it!! Now you will all have plenty of time to wash & iron them before the first game!

Grassy Ass,

Kim

"Shirt Designer of the Year"

Practice - July 9th

Last practice went well (despite the injuries)! We are going to have our final practice on July 9th at 4:30, same location as the last two practices. This time, rather than just batting and fielding separately, we are going to try and simulate a game so we can have people in the positions we think they will play. Please make every effort to attend this final practice. Our games start the week of July 14th.

I have requested information on the batting order, time frames to receive our season schedule, and more detailed rules on substitution, etc. Hopefully we will have some of this information by the July 9th practice!

Have a great 4th of July! Please advise if you can attend the July 9th practice.

Thanks!
Coach Schuetz

Injuries Haunt Morons Before Season Begins

So most of you have heard, we lost a moron yesterday and several others are likely headed for the DL as a result of our second practice. This list has grown considerably since our 1st practice and SportsMonkey requires we relay to the press a weekly injury report so teams can prepare for their opponent. So here goes.......

Marc "The Dancing Bear" McCoy - out indefinitely for ripped pinky nail further complicated by a chipped bone on his way to see an ortho surgeon, doctors not sure if he'll make it. Ace pitcher and all-star first baseman not able to drink usual copious amounts of beer at bar during team meeting.....team concerned.

Paula "Shoeless Joe" Sharon - unable to locate shoes for practice, attempts to hit in socks, spins out of control with a dirt face plant during her first official At Bat. Wipes off dust and digs back in....team trainer said she is fine....took up collection to get her shoes.

Rene "Nail Smail" Noble - Broken manicured nail....unlike the dancing bear...wiped dirt on it, a splash of beer, shotgunned the rest, crushed can on head and went back out on the field.....What's the deal McCoy? Oh Rene, your husband is good!

Jason "Like a Boss" Russell - Hurt his ego taking BP. Team tries to lift spirits at bar by introducing him to 2 hot Oxymoron cheerleaders Susan and Jennifer.....girls try to get him drunk on red-bull and vodka with a pepperoni pizza chaser.....ego still an issue during carpool this morning.

Ryan Hinze, Betsy Trimble, Randy Noble, and T-roy Davis - suffered 2nd degree burns to the face as a result of the dirt being hotter than the surface of the sun. Ongoing talks about changing practice times and/or SPF 100. Rubbing cold longneck on forehead not the answer.

Outfielders Randy Volkin, Kristie Choate, Ed Seymour - frustrated with assistance coach Travis Hill's inability to hit fly balls during drills. In talks with other teams negotiating a trade for seasoned fungo hitter. Travis Hill willing to play only for another contender....Hill's price went up since he has a cool bat and he's the only moron with a home run at this point.

Skipper Melissa Schuetz - injures back pulling cooler full of Shiner Bock, and lifting her kids during practice. Coach will hit whirlpool and buy cans instead of bottles next time.

As I said, the list is lengthy and growing weekly. Speaking of WEAKLY, will the real Marc o D please stand up!! The Morons first round draft pick misses 2nd practice in a row. Doctors report he experienced an erection for more than four hours and sought medical attention.

Alison Toveg, thanks for bringing it at the plate, next time bring beer.

That's all for now...until next practice...T-roy

Practice/Happy Hour

Mandatory meeting at Velvet Melvin immediately following practice next Wednesday (June 24). Topics include tailgating in parking lot, unwanted beer tickets and no-shows from each week buy the first round the following Tuesday.
T-roy

Season Starts: Tuesday, July 14

If you have not paid Melissa your entry fee ($40) please do so ASAP

If you have not paid ($18.31)/ordered your shirt please see Kim ASAP

Tuesday Coed Softball League Policies

GAMES
During the regular season games are to be played within time allotted

(warm up time is included).
UMPS
An umpire will be provided by Clubmonkey Sports to supervise the game. It will be the umpire’s responsibility to coordinate and run the games, which include the following tasks:
Starting games on time.
Calling outs, making final calls on any disputed balls or strikes.
Settling all disputes or disputed calls.
It is understood that umps will assist in the tracking of the score (i.e. announcing it between innings) and assist in any discrepancies with regards to the coed line-up ratios. However, it is the responsibility of both teams to maintain their respective line-ups and scores each inning.
FORFEITS
If your team forfeits a game during the season, the following rules apply:
First Offense: Loss of game and warning issued.
Second Offense: Loss of game and staff reserves the right to remove team from playoffs.
Third Offense: Removal from the league.
If you know in advance that your team is going to forfeit a game, we encourage you to call our office so as to help us schedule your opponent a game.
Teams have until ten minutes past the designated start time to field a full squad (minimum numbers of players required to play according to the rules). Refer to rules regarding guy/girl batting ratio. Anything less then the minimum must be approved by the CMS staff and opposing team.
STANDINGS
The updated standings will be posted weekly, displaying each teams rank within its skill level. Rank is based on winning percentage.

PLAYOFFS
All eligible teams make the playoffs (teams that have not abused any policies are eligible). Playoff rosters must be complete by the third week of regular play. (Players will only be added after the third week for the purposes of a substitution due to an injury or other extreme circumstances as deemed acceptable by CMS staff.)
In certain situations teams at or near the bottom of the standings may not advance to the playoffs. Check with CMS league coordinator to see if this applies to your league.
Playoffs are single elimination.
Seeding
Teams are seeded according to winning percentage and strength of schedule.
Teams may be dropped from their regular season level based on the above criteria. Teams may be moved to a higher division during the playoffs only if permission is granted.
Skill levels may be divided into separate divisions based upon size of level.
Teams may play more than one game per day.
Any questions regarding rules, policies, or eligibility must be addressed before the start of the game:
CMS reserves the right to schedule playoff games on days other than your regularly scheduled league night.
WAIVERS
In order to participate in the league, each participant must sign the team waiver. Waivers are provided and must be completed and handed in no later than the first night of play. Players not present the first week of play will still be required to sign a waiver with our staff before participating.
PLAYER ELIGIBILITY
A formal protest may be filed before a game if an opposing player’s eligibility is in question. The player in question will be required to provide his/her player information (name, address, phone #, signature) in writing to a CMS staff member prior to the start of the game. This qualifies as an official protest. The game will then be played in its entirety as scheduled. Teams will be notified of all rulings on the identified eligibility discrepancy by the following business day – decisions will not be made on site. If the protest is proven to be legitimate, it will result in the forfeiture of the game in question. Games subsequent to the protested game may be rescheduled. The above procedure will also apply for any other “logged” protests. All rulings by CMS staff are considered final. Waivers and Rosters will be used as acceptable player-team identification during playoffs, all participants must present ID’s during the playoff tournament in the event of a roster check. All roster check requests must be made before the first pitch.
SPORTSMANSHIP
The idea of CMS is to have fun. We hope that all participants keep that in mind when becoming involved. Although the games may become intense, you still can be competitive while maintaining good sportsmanship. With this said, any behavior deemed unacceptable by staff may result in suspension and/or ejection from a game or the league.
STAFF
To coordinate and run the league, our refs and/or staff will be available at all times to help the league run as smoothly as possible. If you have questions regarding schedules, policies, rule interpretations, directions to the bar, etc. please ask.
LEAGUE CANCELLATION/RAINOUT
Leagues may be cancelled due to existing weather conditions, dangerous or unplayable field conditions, facility constraints, etc. CMS staff makes every effort to play all scheduled games, thus we will not cancel games until absolutely necessary. Therefore, if you are calling concerning a decision on a cancellation, remember we will not have an answer until close to the start of the league. If the league is cancelled, CMS staff will change the voicemail immediately. CMS will then call/e-mail all of the captains. If a league is cancelled on site, CMS staff will attempt to contact those teams still scheduled to play the remainder of the league day/night. Depending on the time of cancellation, some teams will have to be notified on site. If we do cancel, follow next week’s schedule (ex. If April 13 is cancelled teams should follow the April 20 schedule for their next game). The games that are cancelled will be made up at the end of the season if time allows. In extreme circumstances, CMS reserves the right to run a shortened season without a refund of schedule matches on days other than our regularly scheduled league day/night.
PRIZES
The top teams in each division will receive a prize of great emotional, spiritual, and most importantly, social value.
These policies are designed to make the league run as smoothly and safely as possible, and provide continuity for its participants. Each player in the league is responsible for this information: please advise your team of these rules and thanks for playing.

Tuesday Coed Softball Rules

Clubmonkey Sports will follow NSA rules at Houston Sportsplex with the following exceptions:

1. 10 players (at least 4 females) in the field at all time. (THERE MUST BE ATLEAST 1 FEMALE IN THE OUTFIELD). CMS rules will allow a team to play with a minimum of 8 players (at least 2 females). If only 2 women are present at game time, they must bat twice in the first 10 batters. If a team has less than the minimum required number of players it is up to the opponent and/or umpire or CMS staff as to what is allowable.

2. Inning run limit rule: There will be a 6 run limit per inning through innings 1-4. (Exception: unlimited runs may be scored if one of the innings 1-4 is declared the final inning of the game.) Unlimited runs may be scored in innings 5,6,and 7 always. Game mercy rule: 10 runs up after five complete innings.

3. Home Runs allowed per game are as follows: Rec – 1 +1up, Intermediate – 3 +1up (negotiable)

4. All teams must make an effort to retrieve balls hit for home runs during their game.

5. Should a team not have enough players to start a game, the clock will start and that team has until 45 minutes left on the game clock to field the minimum number of players.

6. All batters will start with a 1 ball / 1 strike count.

The following are changes for the Winter ’02 season to adhere to NSA rules:

1.A legal pitch must have an arc of (6’- 10’) from the release by the pitcher. Any pitch that is not deemed legal will be an automatic ball.

2. Men’s & women’s size balls will be used. A female has the option to which ball she wants to hit.

3.In the event of a tie at the end of a regulation game, “one-pitch” extra innings will be used to determine a winner.