"Twas the Night before Headache"

Twas the night before headache started out kinda slow
Escalantes was kickin, oh how the beer did flow
Headed to the Plex with the Silver Bullet leading the way
I was gone in 60 seconds as my hot red two-seater went astray

Finally got to the dugout with a few minutes to spare
Coach ODs buttons were popping, Volkin was actually there
Rene, Suzie, Kevin and the gang served as the games equalizer
Russell’s absence was excused; his Dr injected him with elephant tranquilizer

The Morons won the game, an ass whooping on a silver platter

It is becoming routine to win games, while destroying our bladders

Troy was a tube sock away from pitching a no-hitter, even striking out three

We raked in 12 including a Travis HR; I hit the back door and threw away the key

For those of you who missed it, it was a hell of an aftergame celebration

And those who were there saw insanity as Troy’s common sense was on vacation

The stories and events hand delivered me the ammo I need

But some of what happened will never be written for you to read

10 ice cold milk jugs of bud light lime starts out great, but never ends well
Troy was leaking, his chair slipped on spilled milk and to the floor he fell
Crawfish had a leg up in the New Orleans meets Jersey photo shoot competition
The self-proclaimed duo of Randy and Randy were back with a brand new addition

Snug, T Hill’s shirt was holding him tightly

Belly button playing peak-a-boo, Troy’s sweat was unsightly

The main event of the evening started off with a strange look from Coach Similac
It wasn’t until he tossed an ice cold beer in my lap that I knew I was under attack

It quickly escalated into our rendition of the gasoline fight scene in Zoolander
Troy screamed “make it rain” like Pac Man Jones causing onlookers to take a gander
Jitterbug was playing in the background as we tossed beer at each other in slow motion

This was a whole new level of stupidity that I wish never caused the commotion

I headed home and hung my wet shorts and pippylongstockings by the chimney with care
All is a little foggy today, but I am glad I took notes last night so these stories I can share
Troy gave me the microphone first so I can bust like a bubble
Next week he is in charge of the blog so I know I am in trouble

Coach OD

Coach Similac... There are NO words...

Blue Line is directions from Escalante's to Sportsplex

Red Line is the way "Gone In 60 Seconds" went last night...

Wet Dream

Guys...you know those nights when you wake up in a cold sweat and vaguely remember doing something well, only to discover it wasn't real.....welcome to Monday's wet dream. After pounding balls and stroking pitches for 11 runs, the Oxymorons still came up short measured against 15 big ones. Game 1 was a thriller with the morons making a late push for a climactic win.

Pipi (Mark O D), wore his swanky red pantyhose in hopes to intimidate the opposition from the mound. His plan was working until this busty senorita in a pink tank put Pipi on his backside with a screaming come backer straight for his melon. Pipi continued to pitch his circus tent by continuing the play from all-fours only to put a runner in his hose and eat dirt with his nose. When a girl knocks you on the ground Pipi....stay down.

Orgasmically the team rebounded after a nice diving play at short by none other than Rye Bear. The King (aka blue suede shoes Austin Lee) continued his groove with solid play in the field and at the plate. Trace the Ace unlaced the ball off the face of the aluminum case as she advanced a base to erase a space and speed up the race to the chase and replace the nasty case of loser's waste from last year's pace. That took 15 minutes.....Still in the end, our schwartz was shorter than there's.

Thankfully the team photographer Teardrop (aka Kim Carsten) was present to take pictures of all of the moron offspring. Baby's were everywhere, to watch there Dad's and Mom's play. Teardrop told me "straight up" that she could not make the pregame meeting at Escalantes and blew me off when I asked. Oh Happy Birthday Teardrop!

As the wetness approached and the field was soaked, we contemplated our courage and worth and hit the field for game 2. Lighting was crashing and thunder was thrashing as the umps said...Play Ball! Since Krisco had no problems waving a metal bat in the air, I thought we could all wrap ourselves in tin foil and borrow James' metal cleats the next time a storm passes through. Come on Blue.....Call the stinking game. The beer is cold and we have 8 taps instead of 2 now!

The Moron's hit the bar like a heard of cattle, except for Pipi and the other Dad's who had their babys with them. "Fill'er up" I heard as Krisco (Kristie Choate) had a thumb and 3 fingers from each hand hooked to 6 milk cartons. That woman is amazing. Sug D sat in the corner of his half-full Heram while the Purple Tiger fed him french fries, and told jokes about 7 virgins. Sug D thought he was the man but discovered his vienna sausage as the bar announced "Free Weenies" at 9 o clock. Girls' love bargains.

And our night, as all wet dreams end, you're foggy on the details, but one thing remains.....you're soaked.

Pre-game party at Escalantes, next Monday 5/24 after work. Only 1 game at 7:3o for the make-up from last week.

Adios

T-roy

"Losing Streak Ends"

In their existence, the Oxymorons have never won a softball game. We have tried everything…lineup changes, pep talks, story time with Troy, intimidation…Nothing could change our fate. Last night seemed like a typical night for the Morons at the Ghetto Plex. Due to the late games, we were armed with only half of our team, half of our coaches and only one lonely fan in Suzie to cheer us on. It was more quiet than usual as only one half gallon of beer was passed around before game time. There was a moment before the game where I looked out into the field and a slight breeze blew across the dirt…It was quiet and all you could hear was an empty beer cup rolling across the dugout….That moment was the calm before the storm!! The coin was flipped and we stepped up to the plate. It is amazing how one inning can change a teams swagger forever. The old Morons knew what to expect and approached our first at bat with "oh well…here we go again…" BUT our new additions in Austin, Dustin, Fred and Lindsey were totally oblivious and actually had a little fire in their eyes. The softball ripped off of our bats one by one and we quickly went up 6-0. We sustained the lead throughout the game with great hitting and outstanding defense. Austin covered the entire complex with his range in LF, not letting one ball hit the ground. While Austin was signing autographs for the ladies, Janet took over with her glove to help keep the streak alive. Fred decided to purchase a magnet that attracted the same material that the seams of softballs are made from. Balls were hit directly to him all day, some even curving mid-air flying right into his glove. I swear he caught five balls in RC and never had to move. Randy and Dustin manned the left side of the infield scooping up everything in their sites only to send laser beams to first base. Tracy and Tromp protected their life by catching every missile safely in their mitts. Kristie and Lindsey bolstered our RF and catching positions nicely. Although the umpire mocked her glove, Kristie scooped a nice throw into the plate from the outfield saving a run. Speaking of gloves…Lindsey showed up with a new lefty weapon of a mitt purchased by Sug D himself. My cleats are getting old so I am thinking of hitting him up for a new pair! Shebin found his hitting stride late in the game, but it was his fielding that kept him in the game early. I do not see double plays in his future at 2B, but plenty of force outs. Last year, James Hoang pulled the impossible by playing completely invisible for an entire inning. I never thought that I would see it again, but last night Randy Volkin performed his own version of that very same magic trick. He played an entire game giving off the illusion that he was not really there at all. He did not catch or hit a ball, but I did hear a fan in the stands whisper to his wife…"I know how he is doing that…" and because of this team effort both in the field and at the plate...WE WON THE GAME 8-2!!!! This was the first win in Morons history. The age old question was finally answered and I was there to witness it. If a Moron team wins its first game and no one is around to see it…did it make a noise???.....YES, It Does!
OD

Hit me baby one more time!

Welcome back blog dogs! It's been almost a year and oops we're doing it again. The Britney's are back and K-fed's on the KFC double down train out of town. No more O-fer seasons. No more umps screwing us out of a "W." No more half empty milk cartons.....This season we're running the tables.

There's a new smell in the air, a rebirth under a new leader. Last season's drunken disaster of a manager was fired and arrested on illegal gambling charges, as authorities allege he bet against the Oxymorons to lose. I mean come on guys, that was a no brainer, and I have more money in my pocket as a result.

This season, skipper Mark O'Donnell breathes new life into the Oxymorons. Last season, the 6 ft 2 in 280 lb workhorse played all positions, including pitcher, batting an impressive .588. This year, his off-season starvation diet has paid off. Weighing in at a waify 160 pounds, he'll be able to better maneuver around the bases, get drunk faster, but have difficulties swinging a girls bat at the plate.

Yesterday marked the Morons first practice run, and it proved to be a good one. With unseasonably warm temperatures, and inadequate beer reserves, the Morons came together and displayed watchable softball.

E

Busta Jason Russell. That is the "E" from the eye doctor's office. Go there and get some new glasses. It may help you catch a ball in the outfield.

Talk about an Oxymoron. We have an Aggie on the team and his name is Austin. WTF? What should we nickname this kid with a solid glove and lightening fast bat? Austin Powers has been eliminated. Please forward your suggestions.

And then there's the Cajun Queen. The Purple Tiger. Our latest ladle of gumbo washed up from the crude oil shores of Louisiana. Poor debutante had her glove on the wrong hand, but still managed to catch a ball anyway. Bruised her ankle walking to the dugout in heels, but showed promise funneling buckets of bud light lime during the Cinco Di Mayo happy hour (coaches meeting) at the Velvet Melvin. Welcome to the team Crawfish!

Dustin, the Abercrombie model from last year hooked to Susie's arm (now team GM and water girl) has turned himself into an absolute abuser of the softball. I quit counting at 12 home runs, which consequently cleared the outfield lights. The power we needed is here. The skipper's off season acquisition should cash in dividends and multiple RBI's.

The rest of the seasoned veterans honed in their defensive skills next to the water cooler in the shade. No new injuries to report, except for the Purple Tiger (see above), Besty (goes without saying hurts herself fielding a grounder) and a near miss of several balls across Susie's head.

This season should be a good one, full of new nicknames and pregame Happy Hours at Escalantes. Catch the Morons on their new Monday time slot. Our fans were the heart and soul behind our losing season, and we need you again this year!

Adios...TD

A Letter from the... Uh... Pitcher...

Although I'm not really sure why since he's not the coach or manager... but apparently he's good at making colorful charts in Excel!! Anyway...

Oxy Morons,

We have all been waiting for this day to come! The Sports Complex has been wondering what happened to the greatest show on dirt. The Oxy Morons brought a new level level of fun and excitement to D league softball. Everyone heard us coming...they heard us all game long...heckling umpires and players alike...and they heard us leave (almost forced to leave at times)...This year we vow to drink more, heckle more, sustain less injuries (includes running into fences) and WIN! Alright...Winning is not in the cards, but we sure will have fun. For those of you who are new to the team, you may want to buckle your seat belts cause it is gonna be a crazy ride. You may also want to hit up Kim to see some of the pics and blogs from last year so you know what you are getting yourself into...

All nicknames from last year are null and void. We will all earn new Nicknames as the season unfolds a chapter at a time...Ha!

I have attached our Oxy Moron Schedule, Positional Chart and Stat Sheet that we will be using throughout the season.

For those of you who already informed us that you could not make a game, I have updated the Schedule. If there is a game that you can not make, please let me know.

Obviously, where we currently have you penciled in on the Positional Chart is not set in stone and will change as we experience no-shows, injuries or too-drunk-to-plays.

OD